MLB Busts Joe Maddon for Wearing Hoodie: Why Stop There?

Makes me sick just looking at it.

ESPN radio personality Colin Cowherd often blasts Major League Baseball for being a backwards, slow-to-progress institution that fails to relate to the youth.

Well, he was certainly proven wrong Monday as Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon was forbidden from wearing his trademark hooded sweatshirt in the dugout during games.

I only have one thing to say: it’s about time.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at Maddon’s classless, ragged hooded sweatshirt and gotten sick to my stomach. It’s bad enough that he parades around in those Buddy Holly glasses. I mean, who does he think he is? No wonder baseball ratings are down. People turn on the television, see a guy like Joe Maddon and think, “who is this clown? what else is on?” Click.

Baseball is a gentleman’s game. There’s no place for this sloppy, casual dress in the dugout. I would much rather look in the dugout and see a 70-year-old man wearing a full baseball uniform. There’s no way you look at that guy and think anything but, “Now there’s a man I want my son to play for.”

Eliminating hoodies (I can’t even type the word without getting angry) from the dugouts is an important first step, but we can’t stop there. Here is a list of rules that need to be implemented if we want baseball to regain the title of “America’s Pastime.”

• Ban all facial hair except for a neatly-groomed mustache. The darkest day in baseball history came in 2004 when the Boston Red Sox won the World Series with the likes of Jesus look-a-like Johnny Damon and five o’clock shadow-sporting Kevin Millar. Not to mention the orange dreadlocks of Manny Ramirez. From now on, ban all facial hair in the dugout except for a classy Tom Selleck mustache.
• Eliminate revealing short-sleeved jerseys. I’m sick of seeing roided-out circus freaks parading their “guns” for everyone to see in those skin-tight X-tra medium jerseys. You think the great Ty Cobb ever let anyone see his arms? Forget about it. Long sleeve, woolen jerseys are the only way to make this game great again.
• Require players to wear ties during games. I don’t know how this tradition slipped out of the game, but we need to bring back mandatory neckties for all players and managers. Look at this respectable ball player. Is he going to a ball game or a function at the Plaza Hotel? I can’t tell. And that’s the way it should be.

I’m glad the MLB has taken this all-important first step by banning the hoodie, but these next measures need to be taken in order to ensure the sanctity of the game.

Once that’s taken care of, we can start working on the music at stadiums. It’s like we’ve forgotten how inspiring a great John Philip Sousa march can be for a team.

Creed’s Scott Stapp’s “Marlins Will Soar,” Worst Sports Song of All Time?

Scott Stapp looks like a baseball fan.

I feel like I’ve let you down. Last week I heard Dan Patrick and his minions making fun of the newest sports anthem, “Marlins Will Soar” by Creed frontman Scott Stapp. I should have posted it immediately, while it was fresh on my mind.

Now, unfortunately, if you go to the YouTube site, all you will see is “This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by MLB Advanced Media.” I guess since they use the song in the Marlins’ pregame video, it technically belongs to the MLB.

Luckily for us, some fan (either of the Marlins, or Creed, or copyright infringement) saved the day by posting this bootleg video. Not the best quality, but at least you can hear the magic.

Is it just me, or does it really sound like he’s saying “You Will Suck”?

To clarify, I sought out the song’s lyrics, and luckily some kind soul posted them in all their not-quite-baseball-lingo glory:

“Marlins Will Soar”

Let’s play ball, it’s game day
We watch strikeouts, base hits, double plays
Take the field, hear the roar of the crowd
Come on Marlins, make us proud
Come on Marlins, make us proud

Keep hoping and dreaming and you will soar
With a little faith and luck, you will soar

One strike, two strikes, swing away
A diving catch, a stolen base
A perfect game, a triple play
A [undistinguishable] play of praise
We’re series champs, we [crack of bat?]

Keep hoping and dreaming and you will soar
With a little faith and luck, you will soar

Keep hoping and dreaming and you will soar
With a little faith and luck, you will soar

As you can see, Stapp basically threw together a series of baseball terms with no real coherence or logical progression. It would be like me trying to make a song about cooking and singing:

“Bread, paremesan, and filet,
We like to eat you all day.
Leeks, bon-bons, Golden Grahams,
Need to get some in my hands.”

Sure, the words are technically food, but anyone who understood cooking would think it was wrong and ridiculous.

That’s pretty much the main reason why this song is so awful. Even “Centerfield” by John Fogerty at least makes some sense: “put me in coach, I’m ready to play.” I think I’ve said that one before on the field.

So Stapp could could have produced the worst sports song of all time, but just for fun we’ll take a look at some other terrible ones in the next couple days.

You better believe this will be on the list (and yes, this was the song my high school basketball team came out to). Hey, at least Master P played basketball:

http://twitter.com/lakersexaminer

YouTube Clip of the Day: Soul Glo (and some awesome Jheri Curl pics)

"Just let your Soul Glo"

After watching VH1’s Black to the Future this weekend, I developed an obsession with the greatest genuine American artform: the Jheri Curl.

I suggest you check out the informative and descriptive Wikipedia entry on the hairstyle– here is the opening passage:

The Jheri curl (often incorrectly spelled Jerry curl or Jeri Curl) is a hairstyle that was common and popular in the African American community. Invented by and named for Jheri Redding,^[1] the Jheri curl gave the wearer a glossy, loosely curled look. It was touted as a “wash and wear” style that was easier to care for than the other popular chemical treatment of the day, the relaxer.

One of the most iconic and hilarious depictions of the Jheri Curl appears in Eddie Murphy’s 1988 classic, Coming to America:

Just in case you thought it was made up, here are some real-life examples of the vibrant hairstyle:

The Classy Jheri

The Sports Jheri

The Jheri-Fall

The Jheri 'n tha Hood

 

The King of Jheri

 

The Jock-Jheri

 

The Basket-Jheri

 

Hopefully that gives you a good sense of the awesomeness of the Jheri Curl. High top fades from the early 90s are already coming back in the NBA, so I say it’s only a matter of time before the Jheri Curl makes a resurgence. Although they’d have to figure out a way to get the activator juice off the court. I guess they have mop-boys.

Podcast – Colin and Sawyer Break Down the New Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat 2

"Mr. Beautiful is here to win...not to hook up with drunk sluts."

Seems like only yesterday we were watching the finale of The Duel 2, but lo and behold another season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge is upon us.

This time the contestants are playing Fresh Meat 2, which means we are introduced to tons of new fake-tanned, breast-implanted party animals who will hook up with anything that moves…and that’s just the guys.

Anyway, I called my buddy, former Ivy League Player of the Year Marc Sawyer to talk about the new season and make some predictions about who’s going to win. Enjoy.

She’s Crying, Sir

She's crying, sir.

The headline “Eri Yoshida Signs With Chico Outlaws of Golden Baseball League” probably doesn’t do much for you. It didn’t do much for me either, until I discovered that Eri Yoshida is a woman.

Ok, so I admit the only reason I took interest in this story is because it featured the team that allows me to refer to myself as a “former professional baseball player”, the Chico Outlaws. In fact, I guess as an Outlaw Alum I got put on some distribution list that allows me first crack at all the hot news coming out of the Golden League. Other headlines haven’t quite been as interesting: “Outlaws One Game Out of First! Playing Tonight vs. OC Flyers“, “Tonight’s Game on iBN Sports.com!”

But after you stop and think about it, this one’s actually pretty interesting. Obviously your first thought, as a sports fan, is obvious: “there’s no way a female can compete with a male in any sport in the world…ever.”

This isn’t the first time a woman has tried to play with the men. We all know about Danica Patrick and Annika Sorenstam (apparently you have a head start if your name ends in ‘anica’), but baseball is, well, a real sport.

But to be fair, Yoshida has a better chance of surviving and advancing in baseball for a couple of reasons:

1. She’s a knuckleballer. When Tim Wakefield goes out there and throws his 30 mph floaters up towards the plate, does it really matter that his arm is attached to a goatee-sporting 43-year-old man? Yoshida’s knuckler is said to be about 50 mph, which means that physical strength and stamina isn’t going to be an issue.
2. There’s no physical contact. This isn’t football where a woman is trying to go toe-to-toe with Ray Lewis. It’s baseball. In all honesty, she may go her entire career without ever touching another player in any way (something tells me she’ll hold off on the congratulatory butt-slaps…at least for the first week).

So in that sense, Yoshida has as good a shot as any to advance in a man’s sport. Now, she also has to avoid another problem: most knuckleballers suck.

We’ll see how Yoshida stacks up, but it’ll at least be interesting to watch. I can’t wait to see Chico manager Gary Templeton deliver this speech to Yoshida after she’s despondent due to a bad outing:

Podcast – Colin Talks to Sow about Opening Day

Is this the best pitcher in the majors or K.D. Lang's new girlfriend?

Baseball is finally upon us once again, so it was about time I called former Ivy League Pitcher of the Year and Toronto Blue Jays minor leaguer Josh Sowers to talk about Opening Day…

We also mix in a little NCAA hoops and, of course, the occasional diversion. Enjoy.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @LAKERSEXAMINER