Cleveland Fans Could Learn Something From Hockey Fans

Tonight’s the big night for LeBron, but apparently there’s some hockey player named Dany Heatley (yes one “N”, that’s all his mom could afford) who pulled a similar move and will be making his return tonight as well. Heatley’s actions seem worse than LeBron, because at least LeBron was a free agent. Heatley demanded a trade and eventually had his request granted when the Ottawa Senators traded him to the San Jose Sharks.

Hockey fans are apparently much more creative than basketball fans. All Cleveland fans could come up with was “The Lyin’ King”…lame. Meanwhile Senators fans came up with this gem:

That’s officially the most I’ve ever written about hockey. Maybe all this time in Canada is starting to have an effect on me. Tune in next week for a retrospective on the career of Mats Sundin.


YouTube Clip of the Day: KerPlunk

Don’t ask me why I thought of this, but I just remembered watching Nickelodeon (particularly during Christmas season) and being bombarded with advertisements for various games. Crocodile Mile was a personal favorite, along with Crossfire, but this one had a particularly catchy theme song which has stuck with me to this day.

YouTube Clip of the Day: LT Style Electric Glide

This one came out a while ago, but I think it’s time for a re-visit. I think all athletes should be required to do at least one music video, solo or group, in order to qualify for their retirement pension. What do you think?

Video: Tased teen Steve Consalvi runs on field at Phillies game

Last night, 17-year old Phillies fan Steve Consalvi decided it would be a great idea to run onto the field.

The security officers and their taser guns thought differently. See below.

Well, this guy’s not that big of an idiot. At least he called his dad beforehand to ask him if it was a good idea.

If nothing else, at least this incident gives me the excuse to post one of my favorite clips of all time. Don’t Tase Me Bro!

Eric Byrnes released after exit on bicycle…seriously

And we thought this was the low point of his career...

I wish I was clever enough to come up with this scenario on my own, but…it actually happened.

After getting halfway through this article, I had to do a double-take and make sure I wasn’t reading The Onion.

Apparently, after making the unforgivable baseball mistake of pulling back his bunt attempt during a squeeze play, Seattle Mariners outfielder Eric “Byrnesie” Byrnes took strike three down the middle to ruin the M’s hopes for victory.

That’s bad enough, but the fun hadn’t even started yet.

So, Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik is walking back to the clubhouse, dejected after yet another loss, hoping to speak with his team. Suddenly he feels a gust of wind as a speeding vehicle moves past him.

What was it? Lance Armstrong? E.T.? Speed Racer?

Wrong…it was Byrnesie making a bee-line for the stadium exit on his bicycle.

Before Zduriencik even had a chance to address his team, Byrnesie was home free on his Huffy. Apparently Byrnes lives (or lived) close enough to the stadium to make daily trips on his two-wheeler.

Needless to say, Saturday’s charade, coupled with the fact that he had tallied three more hits than a dead guy this season, gave Zduriencik plenty of reason to release Byrnes. And he did.

Hey, look at it this way, at least Byrnes has another career waiting for him…

He’s got the hair for it.

Creed’s Scott Stapp’s “Marlins Will Soar,” Worst Sports Song of All Time?

Scott Stapp looks like a baseball fan.

I feel like I’ve let you down. Last week I heard Dan Patrick and his minions making fun of the newest sports anthem, “Marlins Will Soar” by Creed frontman Scott Stapp. I should have posted it immediately, while it was fresh on my mind.

Now, unfortunately, if you go to the YouTube site, all you will see is “This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by MLB Advanced Media.” I guess since they use the song in the Marlins’ pregame video, it technically belongs to the MLB.

Luckily for us, some fan (either of the Marlins, or Creed, or copyright infringement) saved the day by posting this bootleg video. Not the best quality, but at least you can hear the magic.

Is it just me, or does it really sound like he’s saying “You Will Suck”?

To clarify, I sought out the song’s lyrics, and luckily some kind soul posted them in all their not-quite-baseball-lingo glory:

“Marlins Will Soar”

Let’s play ball, it’s game day
We watch strikeouts, base hits, double plays
Take the field, hear the roar of the crowd
Come on Marlins, make us proud
Come on Marlins, make us proud

Keep hoping and dreaming and you will soar
With a little faith and luck, you will soar

One strike, two strikes, swing away
A diving catch, a stolen base
A perfect game, a triple play
A [undistinguishable] play of praise
We’re series champs, we [crack of bat?]

Keep hoping and dreaming and you will soar
With a little faith and luck, you will soar

Keep hoping and dreaming and you will soar
With a little faith and luck, you will soar

As you can see, Stapp basically threw together a series of baseball terms with no real coherence or logical progression. It would be like me trying to make a song about cooking and singing:

“Bread, paremesan, and filet,
We like to eat you all day.
Leeks, bon-bons, Golden Grahams,
Need to get some in my hands.”

Sure, the words are technically food, but anyone who understood cooking would think it was wrong and ridiculous.

That’s pretty much the main reason why this song is so awful. Even “Centerfield” by John Fogerty at least makes some sense: “put me in coach, I’m ready to play.” I think I’ve said that one before on the field.

So Stapp could could have produced the worst sports song of all time, but just for fun we’ll take a look at some other terrible ones in the next couple days.

You better believe this will be on the list (and yes, this was the song my high school basketball team came out to). Hey, at least Master P played basketball:

YouTube Clip of the Day: Soul Glo (and some awesome Jheri Curl pics)

"Just let your Soul Glo"

After watching VH1’s Black to the Future this weekend, I developed an obsession with the greatest genuine American artform: the Jheri Curl.

I suggest you check out the informative and descriptive Wikipedia entry on the hairstyle– here is the opening passage:

The Jheri curl (often incorrectly spelled Jerry curl or Jeri Curl) is a hairstyle that was common and popular in the African American community. Invented by and named for Jheri Redding,[1] the Jheri curl gave the wearer a glossy, loosely curled look. It was touted as a “wash and wear” style that was easier to care for than the other popular chemical treatment of the day, the relaxer.

One of the most iconic and hilarious depictions of the Jheri Curl appears in Eddie Murphy’s 1988 classic, Coming to America:

Just in case you thought it was made up, here are some real-life examples of the vibrant hairstyle:

The Classy Jheri

The Sports Jheri

The Jheri-Fall

The Jheri-Fall

The Jheri 'n tha Hood


The King of Jheri


The Jock-Jheri


The Basket-Jheri


Hopefully that gives you a good sense of the awesomeness of the Jheri Curl. High top fades from the early 90s are already coming back in the NBA, so I say it’s only a matter of time before the Jheri Curl makes a resurgence. Although they’d have to figure out a way to get the activator juice off the court. I guess they have mop-boys.

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