Alex Kotlowitz Ruined My Career

Cheating is no Slam Dunk

I am amazed at the several levels of stupidity that University at Buffalo point guard Andy Robinson displayed when he posted a written request for plagiarism on the Facebook. For those of you that didn’t see it, here is the post. I swear I have not made any changes to this.

 

“I am paying anybody who have read the book ‘there are no children here’ by Alex Kotlowitz $30-40 which in some classes you have to read at UB (even more money if you have to read the book a little more!!) to write a 3-4 page paper, on a couple questions which was assigned.”

 

Let’s examine the mistakes here, one by one.

1. Making the decision to cheat (Really? You couldn’t come up with 3-4 pages, don’t you know the ‘change the margins’ trick????)

2. Posting that decision on a website visible to anyone in the world for free

3. Offering $30-40 for the paper (see if you can get it for free first, you’re the team’s leading scorer, Andy!)

4. Writing the request in “English” that makes Borat look like Shakespeare

 

The sad thing is, I feel somewhat bad for this kid. He’s not the first college basketball player (probably not the first on his own team) to attempt to cheat in a class. He just did it in such a moronic and hilarious way.

According to the report, after the post was discovered he completed the assignment on his own (I’d sure like to read that paper) and his facebook account was removed.

As a former student athlete I should be steaming that Robinson tried to cheat the system and sully the ‘scholar-athlete’ title by attempting to cheat. But I’m not. It’s not just student athletes that cheat, but you never see a member of the pep band or ultimate frisbee team on the front page of the newspaper after being busted.

There will probably be a heavy demand for Robinson to be kicked off the team or even booted from school. That would be unfair treatment (a special benefit, if you will) based on the fact that he is an athlete. Suspend him for a couple games, assign him a tutor and make sure he goes to every class for the rest of his academic career.

Robinson made a mistake, and his punishment is a lifetime of embarrassment and Facebook jokes. Let him have one more year of basketball so he can have something to tell his grandchildren besides, “I could have been somebody, if not for that damn Alex Kotlowitz.”

Your book is just too hard to crack, Alex

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Paid Drivers: Who Knew?

Carmelo Anthony was pulled over Monday morning for weaving through traffic and failing to dim his lights. After failing a series of sobriety tests, he was arrested for driving under the influence.

There’s got to be some way to avoid driving home wasted, but how? Nobody wants to be seen in the back of a dingy cab. These guys are rich, they like to roll in style.

Well, put your breathalyzers away because I just found a way that you can be luxurious AND wind up in your own bed instead of behind bars.

It’s a little-known fact, but in the current times of recession and sub-prime mortgages, people are actually accepting money to drive people around. I think they call it Show-Furring (sp?).

Anyway, it’s new, and apparently you give somebody money and in exchange they will wait in your car (sometimes they drive their own car!) while you down shots of Tequila at a bar, pop Cristal at the club, or just pound Jager bombs with your buddies in his mom’s basement. Then, as you stagger out struggling to find your keys, he will gently guide you into the back seat and drive you to your house. Finally! A way to have a great night out without getting arrested.

There’s just one catch. It does cost a pretty penny. I’m no accountant, but let’s try to do the math here. A driver can cost anywhere from 50-150 dollars per hour. So that means if it took him three hours to get Carmelo home (he took the long way), it would cost the Nuggets forward $450 just to get home. Outrageous!

But wait, I heard basketball players make good salaries these days, so let’s check it out. Carmelo Anthony is set to make 13.04 million dollars in 2008. I know it would be a serious hit to the bank account, but it might be worth springing for the driver, Melo.

Well, now that you know this secret, go forth and spread the word to your NBA buddies (those you didn’t punch in the face). No longer must you play Russian Roulette with the law in the wee hours of the morning. Just like your taxes, your housekeeping, and your gardening, you can now pay somebody to do that for you too.

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